CW: Mental health, depression, prescription meds
I’m not going to reiterate what a shit show 2020 and 2021 were. We both lived through it. Over in my tiny corner of the world, it took me that long to crawl out of a deep depression funk that was completely unrelated to—but definitely not helped by—the pandemic.
I’ve always struggled with sleep, attention, and low mood. If any one of these things is wonky, it’ll throw off my writing (along with everything else). But for a while there, my brain was putting all three into a cup, rattling them around, and dumping them onto the table to see which ones were going to fuck up that day. It was exhausting.
Between myself, my therapist, and my psychiatrist, (plus a whole lot of love and grace from loved ones), we slowly put my brain back together. By the end of 2021, we’d found the right combo of meds, my mind was clearer, and I began to study the ladder leading up from my hole. I finally had the space to look at my life and begin to course correct.
But weeks went by and I didn’t. I couldn’t.
I realized that I still felt tender. So many months of letting myself and others down. Weeks upon weeks of feeling powerless to change anything. Countless days wasted doom scrolling on social media. What if I set new routines and didn’t stick to them? What if my friends and family were tired of me talking about new strategies that I would inevitably abandon?
Eventually, I realized that I was afraid. Afraid to try. Afraid to fail. Hell, I expected to fail. That’s when I realized how far I’d actually fallen. I’d never been a person who was scared to try and I hated it.
My sister helped me make a plan, starting with small goals, like laying out clothes for the next day, every single night. It’s incredible what winning the little things will do for your confidence and courage. Little by little, my mind opened back up. I had more energy. I read Atomic Habits and began setting “Be a person who…” goals.
The one that stuck: Be a person who finishes.
And that’s what I strove to be. When I did dishes, I filled the dishwasher AND washed that pot by hand, instead of leaving it in the sink for a week. When I folded laundry, I actually put it away, rather than leaving it stacked in the basket. The tasks got bigger and bigger. I refinished an armoire and then our patio furniture. I remembered that I could, in fact, finish things.
Now, here we are. In April 2022, I finished a draft of my romance, un-creatively titled Sex Toy Romcom. For the first 2 weeks of May, I’ve rested and read and leisurely checked off adulting tasks that had been hanging over my head, and next week I start revisions.
This year, I’m going to be a person who finishes. At least, one who keeps trying until I do.
What are your “Be a person who…” goals?
I also want to recognize that I’m fortunate to have a support system, financial security, and decent health insurance to aid me on my journey. Many, many Americans don’t have those luxuries.
graliontorile says
Its fantastic as your other posts : D, thanks for putting up.